3 Powerful Tools for Your Divorce Arsenal
Apr 09, 2024
As a divorce coach, I help divorcing mom’s build their “arsenal” to get through divorce easier.
That doesn’t mean I’m comparing divorce to war. As much as I enjoy the movie “War of the Roses” (a classic Michael Douglas/Kathleen Turner movie), I don’t encourage thinking of divorce like a competition, battle or a “keeping score” scenario.
My use of the word “arsenal” is in line with the definition: “an array of resources available for a certain purpose”. When going through divorce, the best thing a mom can do for herself and her kids is gather her “arsenal” of support as soon as possible.
What would be included in an “arsenal” for someone going through divorce? Here are three things that you should consider having in your “arsenal” for divorce.
Support
It can feel very lonely going through a divorce, but it doesn’t have to be.
Even if your family and friends don’t understand what you are going through, there are people out there who do. The sooner you can gather your team of support, the better you will be able to not just cope today but handle what lies ahead.
The sooner you can gather your team of support, the better you will be able to handle what lies ahead. Experts can include divorce lawyers, divorce coaches, CDLPs CDFAs, Forensic accountants, therapists, etc. Also, seek out social support, like family, friends, and groups either online or in person to help you through the intense and range of emotions that will arise.
Mindset
When going through divorce, we can easily get triggered by just about anything and everything that the other parent does. This can cause us to react in a way we might not have otherwise if our mindset had been in the right place.
When making decisions or responding to your ex, you will want to be as clear-headed and grounded as possible. That can be challenging to do when you are already feeling triggered and defensive, especially if you are dealing with a challenging coparent who seems to always be trying to make things more difficult than it needs to be.
One tactic is to try waiting at least 24 hours to respond (unless it is a true emergency or physical threat).
Take a moment to breathe, organize your thoughts, review different perspectives, and craft an appropriate and intentional response or decision.
Consider finding a mantra that works for you to redirect your mindset to where you want it to be.
Strategy
Figuring out what strategy you want to take with your divorce can be difficult because you don’t know how to play the game of divorce! It’s like if you’ve been playing tennis forever and all of a sudden you have to play football. You don’t know what you’re supposed to do.
Your strategy consists of your approach to conflict with your ex and the clear boundaries you want to set for yourself and your coparent.
Your approach to your ex involves learning how to communicate in a new way, it will be different than when you were together.
To help you with coparenting communication, I created a tool that is a 7 step guide to use while writing an email or a text so you can avoid unnecessary arguments and back and forth.
These are things no one teaches you, but if you knew these tools from the beginning, it would make it so much easier. You can download the guide here.
“That’s what tools are for - they help keep us upright and balanced, better able to coexist with uncertainty. They help us deal with flux, to manage when life feels out of control. And they help us continue onward, even while in discomfort, even as we live with our strands exposed.” - Michelle Obama, The Light We Carry
If you want to know more about building your “arsenal” for your divorce, make sure to check out my course “Crash Course in Coparenting”. This 4-week course gives you everything you need to know and all of the tools you will want to have in your arsenal to make coparenting as easy as possible.